Dynasty Warriors: Yuan Shao's Guide To Etiquette
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Aoi
Summary: Complete! Yuan Shao thinks you have no poise or proper manners. Not to worry, he and his associates will school you on the rules of etiquette. But will it work on the rest of the Dynasty Warriors? Read and find out!
1. Introduction

**Story**: Dynasty Warriors: Yuan Shao's Guide To Etiquette  
><strong>Author<strong>: Master Jin Sonata  
><strong>Written<strong>: May 27, 2011  
><strong>Genre<strong>: Humor  
><strong>Rating<strong>: T (Language, Violence, Comic Mischief)  
><strong>Disclaimer<strong>: I do not own Koei or its uncultured cast of characters.

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><p><strong>Introduction<strong>

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><p>As you, the reader, start to read this fic, you are approached by none other than the Yuan family's poised and illustrious leader: Yuan Shao.<p>

"**Hello there, esteemed commoner. You are here for one reason and one reason only. You are in dire need of proper direction when it comes to refining your etiquette skills, hmm?"** he asks while twirling his mustache. **"Well, worry not you poor thing you, I will personally dedicate some of my precious and invaluable time in seeing to it that you are properly schooled in the sacred art of protocol and decorum."**

Yuan Shao then snaps his fingers, calling out two of his associates to come to his side.

"**I myself will not be the only one helping out, you know? I have asked Sir Zhang He, and Lord Ding Feng to add their own flair to this wonderful experience. Isn't that right you two?"** Yuan Shao asks of his two accomplices.

"**Why certainly! This process will ultimate become a beautiful transition of your lack of grace to the wonderful and charming beacon of radiance you will soon become!"** Zhang He says to you as he floats around like a bubbly ballerina.

"…**Uh., yeah. While he does that, I will work with your literary skills in poetry and the art of perception,"** said the large, grizzled Ding Feng as he watched in embarrassment as his partner flaunts himself like a butterfly.

Afterwards, Yuan Shao steps up to you and shakes your hand like proper gentlemen.

"**Well then, we will begin first thing in the morning. I expect you awake at 5:00am sharp, we've no time to waste now, do we? Ta-ta!"** Yuan Shao states as he and his partners turn and leave you to your normal routine.

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><p><strong>What do you think of the idea thus far? Have a favorite character you want to see in this fic? This crazy process of creating the proper manwoman will begin next chapter. Stay tuned!**


	2. Lesson 1: Waking Up With Grace

**Lesson 1: Waking Up With Grace**

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><p>The following morning had arrived, and Yuan Shao was already up and ready to go. Inside his illustrious and decorated mansion, he had traveled upstairs to the guest quarters to see if his subjects were awake and prepared to start the day's lessons.<p>

**"ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz,"** was the universal response Yuan Shao got when he opens the door to the room. A dozen of hand-pick Dynasty Warrioers were all sprawled about their beds, snoring loudly and rudely, certainly not what our tutor had hoped to see.

"**Tsk tsk. This won't do at all,"** Yuan Shao states before turning to you: the reader. **"Just look at these men! How on earth am I supposed to give you guys a lesson if my men are still slumbering in their beds? Well, we'll just have to wake them now, won't we?" **he states, walking over to the closest one to him: Zhong Hui.

"**Ahem. Lord ****Zhong Hui, wake yourself up. It is time to wake before the vastly handsome and important Yuan Shao,"** Yuan Shao says to him in his ear.

"**Mmph….grrr….no Zhuge Dan…I told you…I don't want to become your boyfriend…you fruitcake…my heart…belongs to Sima Shi…"** Zhong Hui grumbles, apparently dreaming of something...interesting.

"**Ew…"** Yuan Shao replied, backing away from him for the moment. **"Um…I think I'll try someone else…"** he states, walking over to Meng Huo, who slept by the window.

"**Ahem…Lord Meng Huo…please wake up. Duty calls,"** Yuan Shao says to him, poking at his arm that hung over the side of his bed.

**SMACK!**

**CRASH!**

The minor disturbance caused the half-sleep Nanman King to swat Yuan Shao so hard he flew through the window and fell six stories before hitting their ground outside.

Soon after Yuan Shao could be heard stomping back up the stairs inside his castle before he slams the door open, holding a megaphone in his hand.

"**NOW SEE HERE, COMMONERS, WAKE UP RIGHT NOW! YOU'RE TRYING MY PATIENCE!"** he yells at them.

The call to action jolted everyone awake immediately, causing the warriors to hop out of their beds and rush out the room to wash up and shower…

**TRAMPLE TRAMPE TRAMPLE!**

…running over Yuan Shao in the process.

"**By the symbol of my family's honor…this is going to be one long day**…" Yuan Shao says before passing back out on the ground.

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><p><strong>What do you think thus far? Have a favorite character you want to see in this fic?<br>This crazy process of creating the proper man/woman will continue next chapter! Stay tuned**


	3. Lesson 2: Cleanliness Is Key

**Lesson 2: Cleanliness Is Key**

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><p>After a disastrous start, Yuan Shao proceeds to monitor the warriors as they clean themselves up and get primped for the occasion.<p>

Now inside his castle's locker room, our tutor brings you inside to explain the next step in his guide.

"**Well then, shall we continue? Before we start any sort of educational instruction, our fellow man must wash themselves up before taking part in…"** Yuan Shao states, before being interrupted by Xiao Qiao, who approaches him wearing a large towel around her.

"**Hey Mr. Mustache Guy! Do I really have to take a shower with all the other guys here? Don't you have a separate room for the ladies?"** she asks, looking up at him with a pleading expression.

"…**Um…no I do not. Sorry, M'lady, you'll just have to make do for what we have. No females live here in my castle after all,"** Yuan Shao explains to her while twirling his mustache.

"**I can see why…"** Xiao Qiao responds with a sigh before hesitantly returning to the showers.

"…**What's that supposed to mean…?"** Yuan Shao wonders, giving her an odd look as she left.

Shrugging at the thought, Yuan Shao then takes you over to a nearby sink, where Xu Zhu was brushing his teeth.

"**Take this fellow man for example. He is keeping his teeth clean as one always should every morning. Do that and you'll have pearly whites just like mine,"** he explains, smiling in process.

It was then Yuan Shao notices that Xu Zhu's toothbrush was a bit larger than it should be.

"**Excuse me, you large man you, may I ask what brand of toothbrush you are using?"** Yuan Shao inquires.

Xu Zhu takes the object out of his mouth, and shows it to him.

"**Why this is your bath brush! The regular toothbrushes were too tiny, so I grabbed this one instead. Want it back?"** Xu Zhu asks, showing him the gunk-ridden brush used for back-scrubbing.

"**No no NO! You keep it, really…!"** Yuan Shao sputtered as he backs away from the horrible sight.

Walking away from that scene, Yuan Shao takes us deeper into the room to where the showers were located.

"**The next topic is bathing. Let us observe the fellow men scrub away all the dirt and grime from days' past…"** he spoke.

Yuan Shao's voice trails as he sees all of the warriors stuffed into a single shower stall.

"**What in the Emperor's name is the meaning of this? Why isn't everyone in their own stall?"** Yuan Shao asks to no one in particular.

At that moment Xiao Qiao walks past him with a sneaky grin.

"**I kept flushing all of the toilets so the guys were forced to move into one of the only two stalls that still had hot water. Now I can have a stall all to myself!"** Xiao Qiao responds before stepping inside and shutting the curtain. **"And no peeking either!"**

"…**That…was actually pretty clever. Not very righteous…but effective nevertheless…"** Yuan Shao admits after a moment of silence. **"Anywho, let's talk to some of the guys and see how they are coping with the small accommodations, hmmm?"** he continues, stepping over toward the stall full of guys.

Peeking his head inside, he notices all of the warriors in a half circle, with Lu Xun standing in front of them. Not only was that odd in itself, but they seemed to be staring at him in shock as well.

"**My good men…just what are you doing? Why are you not bathing, we've got a schedule to stick too. And what are you all staring at?"** Yuan Shao questions everyone before looking at Lu Xun in interest, below his waist in particular. **"Hmm…that's interesting…didn't know you had a third leg…wait a minute…that's no third leg…that's your…!"**

Yuan Shao's eyes then flew wide open.

"**YAAAAAHHHHH! IT'S SO LARGE!"** Yuan Shao shrieks as he stumbles backwards…

**SLIP…**

…**CRASH!**

…only to slip on the wet floor and fall face-first onto the tile ground.

"**Why me…it's going to take me weeks to un-see what I've just seen…"** Yuan Shao said in a muffled voice.

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><p><strong>Please Review! Have a favorite character you want to see in this fic? This crazy process of creating the proper manwoman will continue next chapter! Stay tuned!**


	4. Lesson 3: Table Etiquette Is Essential

**Lesson 3: Table Etiquette Is Essential**

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><p>Two strikes in the same morning did not deter Yuan Shao from his quest to create model figures of his house-guests for the reader's own reference for future endeavors.<p>

The scene now turns toward the dining hall of the mansion. The long eating table was decorated and set beautifully by Zhang He himself. At the head sat Yuan Shao, while the rest of the occupants were seated all around him.

"**Welcome back, fellow person of interest in the art of etiquette. We continue our turbulent lesson with something simpler that even the common commoner would understand: table manners. Now, as you can see, we have a…"** Yuan Shao began to speak, only to be interrupted by someone.

"**Food, food! Bring out the grub already I'm starving!"** Dong Zhuo clamors, banging the table impatiently with his fists.

"**Oh shut up, fat-face! You shouldn't be eating so much; you need to go on a diet!"** Xiao Qiao snaps back at him.

"**Silence! I will not have any more rudeness in the presence of our readers!"** Yuan Shao said firmly to both of them. **"Ahem…as I was saying, as you see we have a perfect placement of forks, spoons, and knives at each place-setting. It will be the job of each one here to identify the name of each utensil correctly before they can begin eating,"** he explains.

"**Forks…knives…what the hell kind of eating tools are these? Where's the chopsticks and why are we using them?"** Sima Shi questions, holding his spoon upside down and backwards trying to figure it out.

"**Because only real cultured citizens of society use fancy silverware, unlike the peasant,"** Yuan Shao responds. **"Anywho, today we will start this exercise with two hand-picked volunteers to start this demonstration: Cao Pi and Zhong Hui. Now, I presume both of you read the practice book I gave you both the night before?"**

"**Wait…you mean that encyclopedia-sized tome was the instruction book? I used that as fireplace kindle,"** Zhong Hui responds.

"**And I fed mines to my horse…"** Cao Pi responds.

Yuan Shao had a rather shocked-annoyed look on his face at the responses.

"**Well, no matter, just wing it for now you two, we'll correct you on the way so you will know it,"** Yuan Shao says. **"Capo Pi, show us all the Soup Spoon."**

Cao Pi looks down at the hundreds of silverware before him and picks up one at random, which wasn't the correct one.

"**You imbecile, that's the caviar spoon! Don't you know anything?"** Zhong Hui spoke in his usual snarky voice.

"**Shut it before I shove this thing up your no-ass self!" **Cao Pi grumbles.

"**I beg your pardon you Wei barbarian? If you knew what you were doing, then you'd know that the Soup spoon was this one,"** Zhong Hui says, picking up the wrong one himself.

"**Ha! That's the ice-cream spoon! I always knew you Jin Dynasty hacks were all morons. Why even bother?"** Cao Pi says smugly.

"**Um…gentlemen…? Maybe it would be more considerate if we kept the language down to a minimum?"** Liu Shan speaks softly, trying to intervene as mediator.

"**You stay out of this you fur-coat-wearing cupcake!"** both men shot back simultaneously.

"**Hey, don't you dare call my son names you two!"** Liu Bei says, standing up from his seat.

"**Oh look, daddy's gonna save the say day again. What a bunch of softies, my left boot-strap has more girth than you Shu shmucks,"** Xiahou Dun comments to them aloud.

"**ENOUGH!"**

The whole room falls silent as Yuan Shao loses his temper.

**"THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE! IT'S OBVIOUS THAT ALL OF YOU CAN'T EVEN LEARN THE BASICS IN A CIVILIZED MANNER! EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY I AM QUITTING, YOU TACTLESS NEANDERTHALS!"** Yuan Shao yells at them before storming out of the dining hall.

The whole room remained silent as everyone looked at each other in confusion.

"**I'm still damn hungry you know!"** Dong Zhuo spoke up despite what was said to them.

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><p><strong>The End!<strong>


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